Pronouns

Q: How do I explain they/them pronouns to my child when they've been taught that "they" is only plural?

A: You can explain that language evolves over time, and "they" has actually been used as a singular pronoun in English for centuries. Shakespeare, Jane Austen, and many other writers used singular "they" when referring to an unspecified individual. A simple explanation might be: "Sometimes we use 'they' when we don't know who did something, like 'Someone left their umbrella.' We're using 'they' for just one person there. Some people prefer 'they' all the time because they don't feel like either 'he' or 'she' fits them." You can also compare it to how we use "you" for both singular and plural. Most children adapt quickly to this concept when it's presented as a natural part of how language works rather than as a grammatical exception.

Q: What if my child wants to use different pronouns? Is this just a phase?

A: If your child expresses a desire to use different pronouns, the most supportive approach is to respect their request while keeping communication open. For some children, exploring different pronouns may be part of a broader journey of self-discovery that could evolve over time. For others, it may reflect a consistent gender identity that differs from their assigned sex at birth. Regardless of whether it's temporary or permanent, respecting your child's pronouns shows them that you value their autonomy and self-understanding. Research consistently shows that supporting a child's gender exploration, including pronoun usage, leads to better mental health outcomes. Remember that you don't need to understand everything perfectly to show respect—simply using the pronouns your child requests demonstrates your love and support during their process of self-discovery.

Q: How should I handle situations where family members refuse to use someone's preferred pronouns?

A: This situation requires balancing respect for your child or the person being misgendered with the reality that you can't control others' behavior. First, have a private conversation with resistant family members, explaining the importance of pronouns to a person's wellbeing and providing simple information. Focus on respect rather than perfect understanding. If they remain unwilling, establish clear boundaries about what language is acceptable in your presence and the consequences of disrespect. Prepare your child for potential misgendering by acknowledging that some people take time to adjust or may never change, while emphasizing that this reflects the other person's limitations, not your child's worth. Consider limiting exposure to persistently disrespectful family members while leaving the door open for them to learn and grow. Throughout this process, consistently model correct pronoun usage yourself, gently correct misgendering when it occurs, and provide your child with unwavering support.

Q: Aren't children too young to understand pronouns and gender identity?

A: Children actually develop awareness of gender categories very early—typically beginning around age 2-3—and naturally use pronouns in everyday speech. Young children can easily understand the basic concept that different people prefer different words, just as they understand that people have different names. The explanation can be as simple as "Some people like to be called 'he,' some like 'she,' and some like 'they.'" Children are remarkably adaptable with language and often accept these concepts more readily than adults. Research shows that children who learn about gender diversity develop greater empathy and respect for differences. Rather than confusing children, age-appropriate discussions about pronouns give them the language tools to understand themselves and others, preparing them to navigate an increasingly diverse world with confidence and compassion.

Q: How do I teach my child to ask about someone's pronouns without making it awkward?

A: Teaching children to respectfully ask about pronouns is a valuable social skill. Start by normalizing pronoun sharing in your own interactions—introduce yourself with your pronouns and incorporate this practice into family discussions. Teach your child simple, direct language: "What pronouns do you use?" or "Can I ask which pronouns you prefer?" Explain that asking is more respectful than assuming, and model how to weave the question naturally into conversation rather than making it the focus. Role-play different scenarios to build confidence. Importantly, teach them to ask everyone about their pronouns, not just people they perceive as gender-diverse, which can be singling out. Also discuss context—sometimes it's best to follow someone else's lead or listen for cues in conversation. With practice, asking about pronouns becomes as natural as learning someone's name—a basic courtesy rather than an awkward exchange.